Was Never Mine

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Sometimes you find yourself trying to let go of something
But it’s like you have been swimming in the ocean
For a very very long time
And you feel like you belong there
You are one with the waves
The warmth of the water
And your body moves in sync with the ocean
And you swim around just trying to stay afloat
Then you get tired and you start to drown
And you swim back to land
When you get there you just feel so heavy

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Because you lost touch with gravity for so long
And you collapse on the beach
As you try to find balance again
And then your feet finds gravity
You stand up and you look at the horizon one last time
And just know that no matter how beautiful the sea was
And how good it made you feel it was never yours for you to keep
And someday’s you will miss it, you know
And you feel yourself moving with the waves
And you dream of diving in
Then you realize your feet was meant for land

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And not cut out for the ocean
Maybe you’re meant to climb trees
Or hike hills or just run really fast
Letting go is not easy
There is nothing quite like swimming in the ocean
Just like how it’s natural for your feet to find gravity
It’s natural for you to let go
And find your true purpose in life again
The sea is the sea
And you are just you
I have to let go

But sometimes I find myself waking up at the beach again~ Yuna

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Lucky Life

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When you love somebody

They’ll always leave too soon
But a memory, a memory
Can make a flower bloom
We wanna be remembered
Don’t wanna live in vain
But nothing lasts forever
This world is in a losing game

I wanna mean something to somebody else
Feel a significance in the real world
It’s not enough to live out a lucky life

Y: Your True Colors

COLORS
You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there
And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

D : Dad

Subject : D : daddy “erases last 2 letters”

I stare at my screen with loss of words ..

Dad ? where to start? my huge love for you cant be described..

Should i start with our exchange of funny imojis on whatsapp.. you’ve always loved the ghost imoji..

Or should i start with our nights watching the candid camera .. the same episode over and over and yet laughing as if its the first time watching it .. you’ve always loved repeating their lines..

Or how about going back 15 years ago, where you would play the classical guitar CD, while driving us to aramco, you really loved track 2..

“tightness in my throat”

I remember your hand signing cheques on hospital bed, back then i thought how your signature seemed so light, so weak..only to learn you have left us few hours after..

I wish i knew that was the last time i feel your warmth…in this life

I would’ve hugged you longer, and told you repeatedly how you were my superhero, my king, my everything..

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697a924ae826165d1fd34e93c8d4d3dasomething I’ve heard a while ago .. 

That’s fine for most people, what if I am one of those who doesn’t? what might look peaceful from the outside, does not necessary reflect the internal mental state of the person.

At this point you know, I’ve got 2 choices, either I actually go through with it, or I say ye know what, i’m too scared right now, I don’t want to do it.

If I go through it I die, as I must at some point, if I don’t go through with it, my choice is essentially to suffer and to inflect suffer on my family, and then die.

Possibly in a way that is considerley more stressful and painful this way.

I’ve got death I’ve got suffering and death,

Well gee ye know, this makes a whole lot of sense to me

I am dying, there is no sense in trying to deny that fact, in all my conviction, That the end of my long journey through life is rather close, rather surprisingly I find that I feel much the way I imagine the immigrants to America must have felt in the 19th century.

I cannot stay where I am now, and I embark on a journey to a destination of which I have only heard the vaguest rumors.

The fact that I know the date, I’m supposed to die, simply makes definite what was previously indefinite and unknown. But it’s still the case that, the only thing you´ve got, is this second. Right now I’m alive, and if I can enjoy what I’m doing now, if I can feel that it is worthwhile, that’s really all I can ask of it.

~~Craig Ewert

Page 12 : Istanbul Love, Istanbul Life

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Woken by a sudden knock on my door and a voice calling : the news ! watch the news. i hurry to the living room and find my sisters watching the news what appears as a chaos and headlines stating there is a coup in Turkey.

I instantly think of my visa purchase of turkey just 2 days ago.. maybe i can still cancel it ? but what about the flight tickets ? my vacation gone for nothing ?

Thankfully the coup ended in few hours .. 5 days later we headed to Istanbul and Bursa ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Page 5 : Escape

holding my shoulder and massaging it along with the neck, listening to ” i did it, mama” while checking flights. which become a habit, i know going to Honolulu is 18 hours by air, 1 stop, and i know going to Bora Bora is 1 day 8 hours by air, +3 stops, and Turks and Caicos is 22 hours away, 2 stops.

opening the -leave request template file- which i memorized by now, and which already has my details saved, only dates are left blank.

This time I’m going to do it !

*phone rings* looking at phone screen ( Mama Love ), i hesitate before answering it wondering what mischief did i cause this time.

mama : give me your university professor number.

me : what ? what happened ? why ?

mama : the secretary called your sister, the professor reported you haven’t updated him with your master thesis, he might request assigning another professor for you.

me : (thinking how I’ve been delaying it everyday) no mom, i will contact him and explain how i was caught up with work, don’t worry!

closing the travel request, and flight site, seems it will be another day. again

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